Isn't That What Love Is (Chapter Five)

My head was throbbing, and even with my eyes closed, I could tell I was in an unfamiliar place. When I was 10, I used to have these intense dreams that if I would concentrate on them enough while they were happening, it became real to me. Of course, dreams always felt real, but it felt like my dreams were reality and that my life was actually just me imagining things. I'd be floating on a cloud, or I'd be alone on an island, or

a thick forest. And the peculiar thing was that most people would be quite frightened at such things because they hate being alone, but in my dream, I yearned for that sense of distance from civilization, just as I yearned to break away from my actual life as a teenager.

But here, in this moment, darkness was everywhere, my throat was dry, and I couldn't speak clearly. I could feel myself murmuring random words but it was as if my ears had muffled them out. Oddly enough, it felt as if I were in one of those dreams again, lacking company and wandering in a desolate place. I urged myself to lift up my eyelids but even when I tried, my eyes wouldn't open to life. But finally, after what seemed like days of my body limp on a ground somewhere, I opened my eyes ever so slowly and snapped them shut again when I saw that everything was spinning around me, different colors blending and blurring together. Where I was, I still didn't know.

Finally, silence. I waited till a sound, anything familiar, broke out around me. Then suddenly, a shocking gust of wind came and I felt myself stand up. My eyes opened quickly and this time, there was no effort to it. I nearly screamed at how close the oncoming subway, which was the very first thing I saw, halted before me. I then eyed the people coming out as the doors opened, thinking maybe I really was in some kind of dream beats tour by dr dre that had turned into reality. I looked around wildly, trying to make out the place I was in before realizing that I was in a subway station, people passing me and ignoring me beats by dre dre pros as if beats by dre dre pros it was the most normal thing in the world for me to be there. No one cared.

"Where... " I backed away from the subway slowly, my heartbeat quickening as I frantically looked around. "Where... am I? "

For a couple of seconds, I was in shock, freezing and just standing there before coming up with what to do at that moment. I slowly walked away, pissing off an overweight woman pushing

a stroller with a sleeping toddler inside behind me. It was because of my slow pace, which contrasted with everyone's bustling nature. Finally, she came around me after excusing herself in a rude tone. I was in too much a daze to have said something, and I continued to walk slowly and eye my surroundings. I faced a subway train that was waiting for passengers and saw myself looking back into the window, my reflection visible. That's when the monster headphones red gleam blinded me.

I furiously rubbed my eyes before looking up into my own reflection again. Before examining my features, my eyes fell upon the chain around my neck and the bright, vivid, and glowing pendant that hung from it. I gasped a little, reaching slowly to touch it. My eyes were fixated on it, until I saw that my hair was long, curly, and was a shade lighter than my normal hair color. My face was smoother and skinnier and the nose pierce I used to have 7 years ago was visible right through the tiny little diamond on my nose. I was shorter, my body much more narrow, and the curves that the almost 25-year-old Ava had were replaced by skinny hips, pelvic bones slightly jutting out. I looked down at my clothes and saw that I sported the same leather jacket I had accidentally left on the subway three years ago, acid washed skinny jeans, a Guns N' Roses t-shirt, and bracelets after bracelets after bracelets blanketing my wrists.

"No way, " I muttered under my breath and shook my head.

I was staring straight at 18-year-old Ava, fresh from moving out of her parents' house. I know because there was a tattoo on my collarbone that read "free and far away" in loopy, cursive writing that I got the following week after I left the mansion. But I couldn't let a few past features convince me that it was 7 years ago all over again. I looked at myself once more, my eyes falling on a white piece of paper sticking out of my jean pocket. Hoping to come across something that made some sense, I quickly pulled it out and unfolded it, reading its contents.

"R142 Train #4, " I read aloud. "8 o'clock. "

I looked up into the digital clock that was displayed to my right just above an escalator. 7: 45. Without thinking, I started walking quickly, assuming it would lead me to where this would all make sense. But I was still in denial, it was still 2011. It had to be. As I made my way to where I knew the New York City Subway's R142 train #4 always stopped, I felt lost. Unaware of my own doing, I grabbed a newspaper out of a man's hand who was sitting on a bench. My eyes searched for the date. August 24, 2004. This just wasn't making any sense.

"Sir, what's the date today? " I asked frantically, oblivious to the man's annoyed face as he looked at me as if I were insane.

"You practically plucked the paper out of my hand to see for yourself, didn't you? " He said rather rudely. But he was the least of my problems, and with that, I paid no more attention and continued walking.

I kept walking in a rather crazed fashion, gaining the looks of others as they probably wondered what was wrong with me. I looked around madly, my mind not accepting all the events that were occurring right then and there.

"Ma'am, " I grabbed a woman by the shoulders with desperation, yearning for the year 2011 to come out of her lips. "What's the date today? "

"Uh... " She looked down at me, a bit freaked out. "It's August 24, 2004. Why do you ask? And can you get your hands off-"

"Who's the President of the United States? " Obama, Obama, Obama. PLEASE!

"George W. Bush! Lady, please, what is your problem?! " She tried shaking me off, but my hands just fell limp to my sides. "You can't just walk up to people and ask-"

I didn't let her finish, walking off again to reach R142 train #4. People inside subway stations were just as rude and annoying, nothing changed about that. Maybe there was hope.

My feet kept shuffling past homeless people pushing carts, business people who wore sneakers and were holding their work shoes, people who played instruments and had their hats on the floor for change, and women with their crying babies, making the atmosphere in the station more than hectic. As I saw train R142 #4 come into view, I slowed down and then continued to walk closer to it. Then, suddenly, all denial disintegrated as I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart stopped and it seemed as if time did too. I couldn't move as I stood there, never taking my eyes off a man holding a brown Duffle bag with a black backpack over his shoulders. He looked to be about 20 and had on jeans and an olive-green jacket, his brown, wavy hair short and shining above his head. His tall frame and broad shoulders made him stand out as he pulled the straps on his backpack closer to his back. He looked around, obviously looking for someone, or rather waiting. I slowly put my foot forward, either hesitant or impatient to close the distance between us. Until his eyes finally met me, freezing and then breaking out into a generous smile.

"Ava! " He ran up to me, dropping the Duffle bag in his hands to sweep me up into his arms. He held me tight, my face buried in his neck. His scent tugged at my heartstrings, a shock of old feelings rushing back to me and hitting me hardly in the chest. My body was stiff as I froze to the surreal state of the situation. My heart was beating loudly against my chest, a lump rising in my throat as unfelt tears started to well up into my eyes. This wasn't happening, this wasn't real. So why was I able to feel every emotion possible during this mind-boggling meeting?

"I've missed you, " he whispered into my ear, but it only came out muffled to me as I could not get past reality and that this was really happening.

I swallowed, my throat dry. I opened my lips to speak, but nothing came out. Finally, forcing my voice to push through, I said his name.

"Cam? "

He loosened his grip on me, slowly looking into my eyes and when he did, I had to look away for the assumption that I was not capable of handling this. It was coming so fast, I didn't have the time to react properly.

"The two years practically killed me, " he smiled, cupping my cheeks with his hands. "I'm finally here, with you. "

I could only space out and look at him, taking in his smooth skin, defined jaw-line, and deep, gray eyes. We were in a subway station; I had to keep telling myself this wasn't heaven.

"Ava, what's wrong? " He held my shoulders and smiled, exposing a set of straight, white teeth. "Are you not excited about this? We're broke, this place is a dump, but we're here, Ava. We're here. "

He had such urgency in his voice, begging me to embrace this for real. His words, I could tell by the way he spoke, he had his edge. This Cam, standing in front of me, was still the same. Young and reckless, impulsive but gentle. It almost left me breathless at how deeply it tugged at the familiar spot in my heart that used to react to it. It almost brought tears to my eyes.

"Are you... " I began to laugh, my eyes glistening in disbelief. "Are you... " I felt his arms and

caressed his cheeks. "Are you really here? "

My words came out as a whisper and he nodded, his thumbs catching the tears that escaped my eyes as he held my cheeks. He smiled and pulled me into an embrace once more. For the sake of Cam, for the sake of this odd situation, I was going to accept it for now as to not scare him. I reached for the red pendant, which was warm against my chest. I felt a jolt of energy and nearly gasped.

"Now come on, " he pulled away and picked up his bag. "If we hurry, we can catch the next train to Manhattan. "

"Wait, where are we-" But he had grabbed my hand and started running before I could finish.

"Cam, wait! Why are we going to Manhattan?! " My hair was flying behind me, his grip tight around my fingers as we snaked through a throng of people, running as fast as our legs could take us.

"No time for talking! We have to go! I'll explain everything on the train! " He was breathless but he smiled as he looked back at me, his hair fluttering. My heart skipped a beat. I'm dreaming and I know it, but please, no one wake me up.

****************************************************

"NO, NO, CAM! DON'T, IT'S ABOUT TO CLOSE! " We were still running, approaching the train now, its doors closing.

"Oh no... not in my terms. " He laughed grimly and shook his head. "Come on, trust me, we're gonna make this. " And with that, his grip tightened around my hand, yanking me quickly towards the entrance.

"Cam! " I shrieked, fighting back a laugh as my adrenaline kicked in overdrive.

"I got you, Ava. "

He quickly pulled me in by the waist as we zipped right through the closing doors, barely making it inside, my body pressing tightly against his as we came face to face. We were pushed up against the glass as the train began moving, our chests heaving as we smiled at each other, breathless.

"Told you I had you. " He whispered.

****************************************************

We walked through the aisle hand in hand, trying to find seats. I couldn't help looking around at the passengers as he concentrated on spotting empty sections. I observed the place around me, still trying to convince myself it really was 2004. I touched the pendant once more and chuckled, dumbfounded by its deed.

"There's one, " his pace quickened and I followed. I looked at the direction he was taking me before resting my eyes on two empty seats in the front of the train. He tossed his bag on the compartment above our heads as I took the seat by the window. He sat down next to me as I looked out the window, the night sky glowing before me. I pulled my jacket closer around me, my breathing growing deeper and my heart racing yet again. I was sitting next to the man who had been my biggest 'what if' and now he's here, alive and breathing. Tell me this isn't groundbreaking.

"Ava, are you alright? You look as if you've just seen a ghost. " He placed his hand on mine and smiled. "You're pale. "

I shook my head furiously and sat up straighter. "Oh no, no, no... I'm just... I'm just glad you're here. " I said genuinely, stroking his hand and looking down at it. He didn't murmur a word, instead, he gently placed his hand on my head and slowly rested it on his shoulder, planting a kiss on me. I closed my eyes, relishing the moment as I sighed.

"Cam? " The train was moving now as I opened my eyes.

"Hm? " He mumbled.

"Can you... " I sat up to face him. "Can you refresh my memory? "

"About? " He looked at me, confused.

"About... us, " I looked deep and sternly into his gray eyes. "I mean, I just... we've been apart for so long and we probably only communicated through e-mails or by phone. Not that I've forgotten about what has happened between us or what we ever talked about, I just want to hear the story again of how you actually got around to moving down here... and, well, anything about us, really. "

I felt so foolish, asking him something that even I knew didn't make sense. It was so hard trying to cover up the fact that I was clueless about everything while still trying to ask how he and I came to be. I pray that he doesn't see right through me.

"Do you understa-"

He chuckled and gestured his hands for me to stop speaking.

"Why don't you read it for yourself? I brought with me all the letters you exchanged with me. "

"We... " Bewildered, I looked at him oddly. "We exchanged letters? "

I had patience to wait for letters? Maybe I really did turn out differently just as this situation was turning out differently.

"Well, yeah... we both agreed we preferred it that way. " He got up and opened the top compartment, unzipping the front pocket of his bag and pulling out a stack of letters tied together with a red ribbon. "Only lasted for a few months though, I really wanted to hear your voice and you would get impatient waiting for a letter. " He smiled at the memory as he handed them to me.

"As far as how I made it here without Dad putting up a fight, I didn't have to do much. He began neglecting me and buried himself in work. Guess that's his defense mechanism. I know I told you he let me off last week. " He looked down and smirked. "But I just left a note and left. "

"But Cam, you can't just-"

"It doesn't matter now. " He shook his head and pushed away the thought. "All that matters is that we're together. "

I looked at him for a while, uncertain. I tried searching for a look of regret or remorse, but his face was so direct, so stern, as if he had made the right decision.

"Well... " I said. "Alright. "

"Besides, we made a promise to each other, didn't we? " He turned to me, waiting for an answer. I stared at him for a moment before slowly nodding my head, my lips curving into a gentle smile as I placed my hand on his face and kissed his nose softly.

I turned to the letters, holding the stack in my hands as if it contained a big secret that was buried deep within. I slowly tugged at the ribbon, the knot coming loose before falling on my lap altogether. I then opened each one, eager for answers, eager for proof that something really happened in this dream world. My eyes scanned each page, never missing a word and my God, my penmanship has definitely improved over the years.

'Cam, I don't know how long I'll be able to take missing you... but hopefully, you don't ever get weary of waiting. Because I will never cease to try. '

If this had been me reading the letters at 25 years old, I would have gagged. But this whole situation was so extraordinary that I didn't know how to feel any other emotion other than amazement. I read on to the other letters.

'Tomorrow is your 19th birthday and I wish I could give you more than just a greeting. I wish I could hold you. '

There was so much sincerity and urgency in these messages that they overwhelmed me as I opened more. But then, they had started growing a bit sadder.

'Please, love, do not give up on life or I. You can take as much time to yourself as you like, but it won't change the fact that I will always be here waiting with open arms to comfort you. '

But what made my heart hurt was the tear stains that made the ink appear runny. I gently ran my fingers over them, feeling the moment inside the letter just as much as I was now. Whether they were his tears or mine, I wanted to find out.

'I am heavily saddened for you, but even more so that I cannot be there with you to embrace you and grieve with you. But just remember this Cam, she is in a much more lovely place now. She loved you, and even in spirit, she still does. Always. '

I gasped a little, clamping my hand in front of my mouth. Even in this life, his Mother had passed away and I slightly wished that this time travel would have changed that too. But I couldn't be too sure or dependent of this odd opportunity to experience life differently. It wasn't here to perform miracles... it was just... well, I had yet to find out if this had something to do with anything else other than Cam. Or maybe I was just a forgetful girl who had stupidly fallen asleep with the damn necklace around my neck. Now that I think about it, maybe I underestimated that fortune teller.

'Cam, I just... I just miss you so much. Today wasn't a good day, and smoking lady bug just isn't the same without you. She still smells a bit like your grape lip balm that you always wore. '

Then I began to wonder, what place or time did I write each letter or feel every emotion? In my real life, I had just moved into my empty studio with only the cash I had from selling a few of my paintings and I was stuck working full-time at Jerry's Diner. What was I doing in this life before I woke up suddenly inside the subway station? It was impossible for me not to know, considering that this was supposed to happen, had things turned out differently. And where were his letters? I had to find them. I needed to know his responses. It must be wherever I am living now.

I was only halfway through the stack before I stopped to catch a glimpse of Cam, who had fallen asleep beside me.

'You remember the time you told me you were looking at the stars and how they just weren't the same as the night we were together on the lake? Just think, that when you look at the moon at around 6 PM, it'll be 2 AM here, exactly the time when I gaze up at it. We'll be staring at it together. Now there's something that will always stay the same. But you wanna know something else that will also stay the same? The way my heart beats for you. '

I smiled slightly as the feeling came bittersweet. I slowly put down the letter and looked out the window, the city lights bright and vivid. I placed my hand on my chest, the beating of my heart steady. I looked back, Cam's face smooth and perfect against the light, his eyelids shut as he breathed in and out peacefully. I slowly reached to graze my fingers over his cheek, just needing one, simple touch. Just to make sure this moment was real.

The letters existed. There were pages and pages stained with ink and memorable messages. They never existed before, but somehow now, they're here. And they're his. And they're mine. They're ours. I pressed the letter to my chest, feeling something I wished I had felt whenever 'what if' crossed my mind all those times I overlooked New York by myself. In this world, those 'what if's' were happening, starting with this moment. And this moment, was, well... mine. It's timeless.

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